Day 4 – Nyx

I fully believe in giving your body a rest day once a week. When you work out, you break down and rebuild parts of your body, and you consume resources that you need a chance to replenish.

Yesterday, I took my rest day not because my body needed it, but because I have an exam this morning.

I’m exhausted, stressed, and I needed the time to study. I’ll be leaving for the school soon to do some last minute cramming before my exam, but I will get a work out in today. I’ll need it to clear my mind.

Wish me luck, reader. I have too many expectations on myself…

About Nyx

I have been told my whole life that I’m fat, but everyone was wrong about that.  I’m not fat, and I have only ever been fat once in my life.

I believed them anyway.

I stand just over 5’1.  As a kid, I used to stretch my height out to 5’2, but I’m proud to be short now.  I weigh somewhere between 146-156 lbs, depending on the week, and I’m not ok with that.

I am told every day by former co-workers and former friends that I look amazing these days, but that’s only because they remember what I looked like a few years ago, and how far I’ve come.

I was 250 lbs in 2008, although I didn’t look more than 210-220 lbs.  The day I stepped on the scale and realized just how much weight I’ve gained was probably the hardest and most devastating day of my life.  I cannot remember a time when I felt more self-defeated, more depressed with who I was than that day.  That sensation…that feeling has lived with me for the last 3 years, and I don’t think I will ever forget it.

I have always been so concerned with my weight, but now it’s become an obsession.  In 2005, I weighed 135 lbs, I was skinny, pretty, smart, funny, and for the first time in my life I was “popular”.  I didn’t realize how much weight is part of how people relate to you until I felt both extremes.  When I was skinny, people loved me, when I was fat, people avoided me and ignored me.  I hated that feeling, but I hate them more for making me feel that way.

I decided to do this adventure for myself, and not anyone else.  This isn’t about what YOU see, it’s about how I FEEL…

When I look in the mirror…

When I try on new clothes…

When I go outside this summer in shorts and a tank top…

I want to feel beautiful because I am healthy, not because people like me better when I’m skiny.  I’m going to get healthy.  I’m going to be able to jog 5 km next year without having to stop.  I’m going to be awesome because I want to be.  I am 100% confident that I can do this and NOTHING is going to stand in my way.